The memoirs of a former near-sighted person

It all started with the blackboard in school. I was sitting in the last row of desks with all kinds of social outcasts – the losers, underachievers, and hooligans – when I suddenly realized that I couldn’t see what was written on the board.

If it was written in caps (usually it was news like “Those who don’t show up for community service will be shot immediately”), I could see it, but other things were really blurry.

If l made a loose fist and looked through the hole, I could kind of see better. But then I would be thinking “dang, I wish I hadn’t seen that,” as it would say something like “the verbal participal phrase is…”. I still have nightmares that tomorrow I’ll have a test and won’t remember a thing about those charts. I was good at grammar, probably better than Rosa Salmonovna our teacher, but all these diagrams were a torture for me.

Another way to regain normal vision for just a couple of seconds was to make Chinese eyes; that is, use your index fingers to pull the skin away from your eyes. This made a pretty good image. It worked even better than the loose fist trick, but there was a common superstition that if someone startled you at that moment, your eyes would stay that way. At this time in my life, I don’t see anything bad about having these “Chinese eyes”, but as Soviet children we were frightened of it. What if I never find a job? I already was marked as a minority in my passport, due to my Jewish ethnicity, which in the Soviet Union was a bad thing. Adding “Chinese” on top of that would be too much.

I realized that if I didn’t fix my vision, I would end up never graduating primary school. So I had to move to more centrally-located desks, and for that I had to make friends with a fat and mean girl named Zemfira. I don’t remember what I promised in return, but in the end she finally agreed to tolerate me being next to her. I guess she decided that it’s better to sit with this skinny joker than by herself. I think she’s told herself: “Shall I remain alone forever?What if this is love?”

But love is the last thing we are interested in here. Let me remind you, that we’re on an ophthalmology page.

My mother was a well-known doctor in our small central Asian town. And doctors always know how good each other are. For example, if Dr Benjamin recommends you a therapist in Los Angeles, rest assured it’s going to be a good one.

So my mom took me to the best eye doctor in town. She checked me out and announced that, “It’s not myopia, and it’s an accommodative spasm. There is a good Japanese method of fixing it!”

I have to say that for Soviet people, anything Japanese sounded like something from a different planet. Japan is a great civilization and we, eternal builders of communism, were so far away from their level of development. It’s no wonder that the unmanned automobile in Tarkovsky’s 

True, there was a driver, but they had to hunch over for the shot, or maybe they just used a little person. Now when I watch this part of the movie it reminds me of Uber in San Francisco.

The ophthalmologist gave me a set of plus lenses and an old letter chart to check my vision, which we the losers, underachievers, and hooligans actually used as a target for darts later, and asked me to read the letters wearing those lenses.

I’m not sure how that would have ended if I had followed instructions. I guess I would have learned how to see the smallest letters from 100 feet, or gained the power to see through the walls of the women’s locker room.

I’m not even sure if the Japanese used the Japanese method. The fact is that generations have passed and we still see some Japanese tourists wearing glasses. It makes me wonder how good laser correction is in Japan. Something tells me that it’s no better or worse than here. But let me remind you that I’m talking about a time long ago, when Dr. Benjamin wasn’t even born yet.

Take advantage of the latest technology and one of the best teams in LABenjamin Eye Institute

Все началось с классной доски. Сидя на задних партах с разными изгоями общества – двоечниками, тунеядцами и хулиганами – я обнаружил, что не вижу, что пишут на доске.

Если написано совсем уж большими буквами (обычно это была новость типа: «За неявку на субботник – расстрел вне очереди»), то еще вижу, а так нет.

Зато если смотреть через «трубочку», т.е. в не до конца сжатый кулачок, то что-то еще брезжило. Но разберешь, и сам не рад: «Деепричастный оборот – это…». До сих пор снятся кошмары, что завтра экзамен, а я в таблицах ни бе, ни ме. Писал пограмотнее самой Роз-Самолны, царствие ей, а вот схемы… извините.

Другой способ обрести нормальное зрение на пару секунд – «сделать китайца». Т.е. указательным пальцем немного «растащить» глаз. Тогда он как-то хитро сощуривался и давал четкую картинку. Этот трюк был даже лучше кулачка, кабы не страх, что тебя в этот момент испугают и китайцем останешься. Сейчас я не вижу в китайскости ничего страшного, но во времена моего детства китайцами нас пугали. На работу не возьмут! Мало того, что инвалид пятой графы, так еще и китаец на вид.

Мне стало ясно, что с таким зрением я останусь с начальным образованием. Пришлось переехать с манатками в середину класса, а для этого – замаслить толстую вредюгу Земфиру Богданову. Не помню, чем ее ублажил, но скрепя сердце она согласилась. Решила, что уж лучше жить с этим тощим насмешником, чем одной. А вдруг за его просьбой что-то стоит?  Хотя в то время мы всем классом любили отличницу Курочкину. Сейчас не понимаю, что мы в ней находили, как и потом в Воронской, после которой все дружно перекинулись на Соловейчик.

Но любовь, тем более такая массовая и классовая – это последнее, что нас тут интересует. Напомню, если кто забыл, что мы находимся на странице офтальмолога.

Мама моя была известным в нашем азиатском городе врачом. А врачи всегда знают друг другу цену. Если, к примеру, тот же А. Бенджамин посоветует в Лос-

Анджелесе терапевта – уж будьте спокойны, это будет терапевт какой надо терапевт.

Так что мама отвела меня к лучшему местному окулисту. Та осмотрела и просияла: это не близорукость, говорит, а спазм аккомодации. Есть, говорит, у меня для вас японский метод.

А нужно сказать, что для советских людей все японское было – как приблизительно с Сириуса. Япония – это высокоразвитая цивилизация, до которой нам, хроническим строителям коммунизма, еще пилить и пилить. Недаром даже беспилотный автомобиль светлого будущего для «Соляриса» Тарковский снимал в Токио. Правда, водителя попросили пригнуться. Ну или карлик вел. А сейчас эта картинка – как убер в Сан-Франциско.

Окулистка выдала мне набор плюсовых линз, пожелтевшую в веках таблицу 

, в которую, забегая вперед, мы с сообалдуями метали ученические перья с крыльями, – и велела читать через эти стекла буквы на таблице.

Сначала ШБ, потом МНК (как сейчас помню) и до самых малюсеньких. Вначале через слабое стекло, потом все сильнее, сильнее, пока не…

Не знаю, чем бы это кончилось, если бы я выполнял инструкции. Наверняка научился бы видеть за сто шагов нижнюю строчку, не говоря о способности зрить сквозь стены женской бани.

Не знаю и того, применяли ли сами японцы японский метод. Факт тот, что сколько эпох утекло, а мы до сих пор почему-то видим японских туристов  в очках. Интересно, как в Японии, т.е. в нашем бывшем светлом будущем, обстоит с лазерной коррекцией. Что-то мне подсказывает, что не хуже, чем у нас. Но напомню, что описываю далекое время, когда 

а не только не было рядом, но и на планете даже.

Однако в запасе у лучшего окулиста имелся и другой передовой метод – накладывание электродов на глаза. “Будет приятное небольшое покалывание – и большой эффект”. Поскольку я не мог даже представить, что войду в наш глумливый шестой «А» в очках, то с присущей мне тогда отвагой отправился на процедуру.

Медсестра лет пятидесяти по имени Фрося наложила мне на глаза некую вилку, состоящую из двух зловещего вида зубьев с наклепками. И каким-то макаром привязала сию чудотворную вилку к моей голове. Это удобно: больной сам снять с себя вилку не сможет. Разве что с ушами или со скальпом.

– Щас ток включу! – крикнула Фрося из соседней комнаты.

– Спасибо, – глупо ответил я.

– Если будет щипать, зови, – крикнула Фрося и включила радио.

Вместе со звуками песни «Не повторяется такое никогда», что повторялось без конца, я начал ощущать, что в электродах зародилась жизнь. Ну что ж, вот и обещанное приятное покалывание, подумал я. Благодать!

Вновь забегая вперед, скажу, что «Не повторяется такое никогда» – идеальная песня для пыток. Причем пытать можно уже ею самой, существенно сэкономив на раскаленных щипцах, зубоврачебных клещах, утюгах,  клетках с крысами (куда вставляется голова испытуемого) и прочем дорогом инвентаре.

Но в сочетнии с током эта песня особенно хороша. Сравниться с ней может только «Стоит над горою Алеша, Алеша…» Или под горою, не помню. «Алексей-Алешенька-сынок», опять забегая вперед, меня добивал контрольным в голову.

Итак, ощутив, что уже не покалывает, а где-то даже поклевывает, я задумался: а что будет, если и правда начнет щипать по-врослому? Как говорят все мистики с большой дороги, чего боишься, то и случается. Теория вероятностей на их стороне.

Начало щипать. Фрося мирно дремала в соседней комнате, и я был единственный пациент. Несмотря на мои закрытые глаза, мне стало очевидно, что щипает все сильнее. Видимо, подумал я, Фрося попутала омы с амперами, вольты с ваттами, и засадила мне дозу, годную для электрического стула.

Я попытался содрать эту чертову вилку с глаз моих. Куда там! Фрося прицепила на славу. Недаром ее рекомендовала лучшая окулистка города. Тщетно подергав за вилку, я придумал немного подождать.Таково вечное решение жертв. А вдруг, мол, умный аппарат сам смекнет, что перебарщивает, иначе мы потеряем больного. Да! Я оптимист! Будем надеяться на лучшее! Так сидящий на электрическом стуле убеждает себя: «Не буду расстраиваться раньше времени. До казни еще целая минута. Сейчас наверняка войдут генеральный прокурор с английской королевой и отменят процедуру». Это называется позитивным мышлением.

Вы, чую, там уже ерзаете. Вам хочется спросить: какого ж черта ты, дурашка, не кликнул Фросю? Отвечаю. Я не знал, как лучше обратиться. Ну что я должен крикнуть, да еще переорав при этом птицу завтрашнего дня? «Сестра!»? Но я же намного младше, какая она мне сестра. Может, крикнуть «Старшая сестра!»? А вдруг она младшая, будет звучать оскорбительно, это как лейтенанта назвать полковником. А может, просто рявкнуть «Фрося!»? Ну это фамильярно, я же не барин. Тогда, может, «тетя Фрося!»? – ну что я, маленький – так обращаться? Сударыня? – но я ж не аристократ, а также, кстати, не холоп, кончилось ихнее время.  Самое солидное – по имени-отчеству, но отчество-то я не знаю. Может, спросить для начала ее отчество? А если попробовать угадать? Порфирьевна? Кирилловна? Мефодьевна? Или крикнуть «Щипит! Щипит!» А может, правильно «щиплет»? Или «щипет»? Или по-простому «щипает?» Но Роз-Самолна, кажется, говорила, что это одушевленное деепричастие.

Пока мое затухающее сознание металось между вариантами один другого хуже, глаза уже вовсю пекло. А также нос. Более того, ноздри мои зашевелились. Они почуяли дурманящий запах бараньего шашлыка. Тогда я дерзко кашлянул и навострил относительно свободные уши. Стояла тишина, как на кладбище. Если вой Алеши не считать. Я крикнул громко: «Ой!» Потом еще раз, громче. И наконец совсем уж громко. Для верности еще и гавкнул. Фрося ответила усиленным храпом. Я отчаянно прокукарекал, а дальше не помню. Видимо, ее пробудил дым и запах вкусного.

Плеща руками, Фрося метнулась к моему одру и уже во мгле спасла ребенка.

Ладно, хэппи энд, будем считать. Хотя и близорукость победила. Но это была пиррова победа: не прошло и сорока лет, как в моей жизни возник доктор Бенджамин, остальное вы знаете. Благодаря ему я печатаю эти пронзительные мемуары без очков. И наслаждаюсь красотой мошек в солнечный декабрьский день.

Однако на носу моем с тех пор отметина – память о передовых советско-японских методах прошлого тысячелетия. И вечная память о пионере-герое, чей подвиг воспет им самим.

 всех поздравляет с наступающим!

LASIK, CATARACT, GLAUCOMA:
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The memoirs of a former near-sighted person - Benjamin Eye Institute

МЕМУАРЫ БЫВШЕГО БЛИЗОРУКОГО

Tune in for the sweet memories of a former near-sighted person in a communist era!

В рубрике воспоминания близорукого человека из коммунистической эпохи. 



The memoirs of a former nearsighted person

Staff was very personable and accommodated my needs.  Dr Benjamin was very professional and great bedside manner.  I would highly recommend the office to friend and family

An awesome experience as is the norm for our visits to Dr Benjamin. We have trusted him and his office with our multiple surgeries and care for many years, and plan to continue forward. Thank you Dr Benjamin, and your staff.

Great front desk and tech staff. The doctor was super nice and I’m so pleased I found this eye institute! Everyone was great and happy to finally have taken care of an appointment I had been putting off for a while. Great check-in process also for first time patients.

⭐️ My review of LASIK after one year ⭐️I told Dr. Benjamin I would do this a while ago, but I kind of feel like it says a lot I have kept this on my checklist for a year. I feel like a year is a good amount of time to review a procedure like this and give my honest thoughts and recommendation.So, let me tell you about my journey to getting LASIK and how I ended up in the amazing care of Dr. Benjamin. After going to an optometrist for years and him advising against LASIK because of my genetically dry eyes, I finally got a second opinion from an ophthalmologist (Dr. Benjamin). I didn’t know the difference between an optometrist vs. opthalmologist, but once I learned it kind of made sense why my optometrist didn’t want me getting LASIK lol. Because he couldn’t sell me on contact lenses or glasses for the foreseeable future if I got my vision corrected :) I mean, who knows, but I am glad I got a second opinion.I figured being in Los Angeles with some of the best doctors in the world… if anyone is going to touch my big, blue eyeballs, might as well get it done while I’m here. I found this business due to the reviews and they seemed to really know what they were doing and how to talk to clients.Upon meeting Dr. Benjamin he told me that I wasn’t a candidate for LASIK with my dry eyes, but he could put me through treatments for dry eyes and reevaluate after; and that these treatments had a good success rate for most.So, I started doing two treatments every other week for about 2.5 months - IPL laser treatment and Lipiflow. Lipiflow, especially, was a weird painless experience but highly recommend anyone with dry eyes to ask about it regardless of LASIK. I could tell my eyes felt way less dry a couple days after each treatment. There are videos on YouTube that talk about this treatment… Who knew this stuff existed. I’m not gonna lie, it’s an investment to do all these treatments on top of LASIK, but my eyes rarely feel dry anymore so if you’re going to get it done - do it right.Finally, I was approved for LASIK. I ended up waiting until the end of year to make sure I saved up the funds to do it and had some time to heal. I also took advantage of an end of year deal they were offering. $1000 off was a pretty nice forcing function to get me to finally do it after prepping my eyes with the treatments. The procedure itself I couldn’t feel anything even though I was awake the entire time (medicated). Even the scary part when bubbles form on your eyes Dr. Benjamin let me know about in advance so when it happened I just went with the flow. I think the worst part was the recovery the few days after and coming home drugged up lol. I remember day 1 thinking omg what did I do to my eyes. My eyes just hurt and felt weird, but omg I could see 20/15 immediately. And then, day by day it gradually got better. It took a few weeks for my eyes to heal, but after 1 month you couldn’t even tell I had surgery. One eye was a bit more bloodshot than the other.I can see 20/15. It’s been life changing for the past year not having to worry about contacts or glasses. I just got married and was able to walk down the aisle with clear vision. I only wish I had the means to have done this earlier in life. If you’re considering it - do it! And definitely consider Dr. Benjamin to do it right.Lastly, to continue treating my dry eyes, Dr. Benjamin gave me an extra LipiFlow treatment, and also recommended I try punctal plugs (painless plugs inserted into your lids that help your tears last longer). He placed the plugs in my eyes under 5 mins. Wild.I heard from people during the LASIK process they have been nervous to get the procedure so I wrote this to help and because I think highly of this business for changing my life. And, some of the dry eye treatments I would’ve never known about had it not been for them. Again, I wish I would have had been able to do this years ago. It is so, so worth it!Thank you, Dr. Benjamin (and staff!)

Concerned about a reoccurring virus, I text Dr Benjamin’s office first thing in the morning seeking immediate advice and an appointment. In quick time I received both sage advice and a same day appointment. Dr B takes a personal interest in his patients well being and has diligent, competent and attentive staff to support the care and support needed. Can’t speak highly enough.

Been going to Dr B for nearly a decade after trying many other eye doctors in LA.  Beyond solving my chronic dry eye and being the most knowledgeable, he is an all-around great guy and spends time educating. The staff is wonderful as well.

The ophthalmologist that performed my surgery, Dr. Benjamin, was extremely skilled and knowledgeable. He took the time to thoroughly explain the procedure and answer all of my questions. I felt confident in his abilities and knew that I was in good hands.

Dr Benjamin and his team are extremely professional. I had Lasik surgery performed by him and his team and everything to date has gone exactly as described to me. Front office is very friendly and scheduling appointments is easy.

The office staff were kind and considerate. The technician that assisted me explained everything she was doing. The Doctor was very nice and explained everything. He was definitely knowledgeable about my condition.

Dr Benjamin has been the “go to” eye specialist for 3 generations of my family, starting with my father and now grown children. Simply put, he’s an exceptionally capable, trustworthy, and cutting edge doctor with a courteous and professional staff.Without any reservations, I recommend him to anyone seeking an exceptional eye doctor.

The surgeons at Benjamin Eye Institute are true experts in their field - they were able to explain the procedure in detail and answer all of my questions and concerns. The surgery itself was quick and painless, and the recovery was much faster than I had anticipated.

I just completed my first visit and can say that this office deserves every high ranking it gets. The staff are efficient, friendly but highly professional.  The office is modern and sparkling clean. The examination was smooth and thorough. The doctor saw me on time.  He listened closely to the background of my problem, and he clearly communicated his treatment plan and the rationale for it. I absolutely trust him and highly recommend him.

Dr. Benjamin is always personable and thoughtful and very much an expert.  He has been my eye doctor for many years.  Now that I am older I am very grateful that he is still my ophthalmologist. Everyone in the office is very helpful. I, of course, highly recommend Dr. Benjamin.

One of the things that sets the Benjamin Eye Institute apart from other ophthalmology practices is their team of experienced and highly trained surgeons. The surgeons at the Benjamin Eye Institute have performed thousands of cataract and LASIK surgeries, and have a wealth of experience in these procedures. They are committed to providing the best possible care for their patients and strive to achieve excellent outcomes.

No exaggeration, this was the best visit with any doctor I've ever had. The facility is very nice, the staff is exceptionally thorough, professional, and efficient and Dr Arthur had by far the best bed side manner I've ever encountered. I 100% recommend him and his team

My experience at Benjamin Eye Institute was exceptional.  I’m not sure if I’ve ever encountered such an efficient and professional staff in a doctor’s office.  The front desk was communicative and everyone up to the doctor was beyond detailed in their care.  I would recommend this place to anyone who has eye problems because they have the most advanced equipment and Dr. Benjamin is caring, thorough and knowledgeable.

Dr Benjamin and his staff are excellent! 3/5 members of my family are patients from senior to adult to teen. Great care and professionalism. Highly recommend!

Immediately after  cataract surgery, I can see my husband’s face accross the room for the first time in 40 years! No more glasses since childhood, both distance and close up. If you are thinking, should you spend the big bucks to see everything both near and far?  I can tell you it’s so worth it! Thank you Dr. Benjamin and all the wonderful people in your office! I appreciate your efficiency, attentiveness, professionalism and welcoming space! Please feel free to use me as a reference any time!

I can’t ever express my deep gratitude for Dr . Benjamin and his entire extraordinary team at the Benjamin Eye Institute.I was nervous as eyes are so sensitive,  but his incredibly kind receptionists and nurses make you feel at ease and diminish all fears right away . He offers impeccable medical knowledge and state of the art technology to heal . My son and I have both experienced his phenomenal treatment and have had all our eye issues resolved . I am so thankful and can’t recommend him and the Benjamin Eye Institute highly enough 🙏

Dr.Benjamin is the best of the best.Very personable, knowledgeable and kind.I had a stye and in a bad shape.He  took me right in.His staff polite , kind and very professional.Highly recommended.

My 18-year-old son has been under Dr. Benjamin's care, and we were truly impressed by the level of service we received at Benjamin Eye Institute. From the moment we stepped into the clinic, the staff was incredibly helpful and accommodating.Dr. Benjamin conducted a comprehensive eye exam for my son, and his expertise and professionalism were evident throughout the entire process. He took the time to explain everything clearly, making sure my son understood his eye health and any potential concerns. His patience and attentiveness were truly appreciated.We highly recommend Dr. Benjamin to anyone seeking exceptional eye care. He and his team exceeded our expectations, and we are grateful for the outstanding service we received. Thank you, Dr. Benjamin!

Dr Benjamin and Alba were great. He is very professional, kind and with clear explanations. I had an eyelid quick surgery and I’m just missing the glasses prescription, I left the office and forgot to ask for it. But he and his team were amazing!

I was referred to Dr. Benjamin from both my eye doctor and a very close friend of mine who also had her LASIK performed there. My experience was exceptional. Every single person that you meet in the office is a joy to work with. Whether it was the constant and clear communication, or the fact that they were always listening to feedback and answering my questions and concerns, they went out of their way to make me feel comfortable trusting my vision to them. They were very kind and never once pressured me into anything (including when I had to push my surgery back after I broke my leg).I would recommend this place to anyone who has eye problems because they have the most advanced equipment and Dr. Benjamin is caring, thorough and knowledgeable.

Top notch service and staff! By far the best experience I’ve had at a doctors office in 20 years. I wish every office was as well trained, friendly, and professional as Benjamin Eye Institute. Seriously if you have eye problems you won’t find a better doctor.

More than everything I value professional people. Dr. Arthur Benjamin is one of them. He is taking care of me and my husband for pretty long time. All I can say we are very thankful to the doctor and people who work as a team to make us healthy and happy !

LASIK Eye Surgery- The short is go see Dr. Benjamin!I visited Dr. Benjamin Eye Institute after deciding I wanted to learn more about Lasik eye surgery and what the process would look like. I stare at computer screens for very long periods of time so I was nervous to make this life change but ready to ditch my glasses for good! The entire team from day 1 of my consultation made me feel very comfortable. The office is clean the staff are extremely welcoming, friendly and all took the time to answer any questions I had about the procedure - which was very quick and painless the day of. They also have awesome social content for educational purposes and just to make you laugh!I am about a month post procedure and it has been life changing and a freedom restored. Your eyes are important so make sure you consult with the best.Thank you Dr. Benjamin and team!!!

Dr. Benjamin is an exceptional doctor and eye surgeon. He is innovative, and anticipates a patient’s needs. Above all Dr. Benjamin is kind and caring. My results are outstanding. I can thank him for changing my life. Thank you.

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